Oh MCW How I’ve missed you! Although I have kept up to date with Melbourne City Wrestling and it’s storylines via its YouTube channel I haven’t taken in a whole event since Chavo Guerrero took on Dowie James at Ballroom Brawl 2015. Once I realised that Ballroom Brawl 2016 was three events ago I decided I needed to get back on board the MCW bandwagon and I contacted the lovely people at Australia’s number one promotion and asked them to hook me up.
I was half expecting a “F-you, mate” (they are Australian so everything I expect them to say ends in mate) or maybe access to one of their events, instead I was promptly given access to three of their monthly specials which I will be reviewing and bringing to you over the next few fews.
The first show I was granted access to (as the title of this piece suggests) was MCW New Horizons 2016. And it was every bit as good as I imagined.
First up to was a triple threat match between Mike Boomer (who looks like CWC combatant TJ Perkins but far less slappable), Link Barnett (who enters to crazy, retro 80s gaming music while wearing big blue furry gloves) and Lochy Hendricks. Hendricks is my favourite here, I’m not sure if it’s because of his presumed Scottish heritage (wherelse could ‘Lochy’ originate from) or because his entrance music is ‘Larger Than Life’ by the Backstreet Boys. Either way I am 100% behind my guy as the the three competitors start flipping around the ring and hitting painful looking suplexes on one another. It doesn’t take too long for the match to make it’s way to the outside and once there it takes even less time for someone to go for a suicide dive. Watching a match like this shows why the WWE are finally bringing back their Cruiserweight division as, when done right, they always have the potential to steal a show.
Unfortunately just as the match appears to be building towards its crescendo a group of burly intimidating men appear and start to lay waste to the Boomer, Barnett and my boy Hendricks. They may have also taken out the referee but he had the sense to make himself scarce as soon as these men made their appearance.
The commentators let me know that these four men are ‘The Mighty Don’t Kneel’ and when they grab a microphone their leader, Hartley Jackson, renames the venue the TMDK Arena which the crowd hate. He hands the microphone to Marcius Pitt who slags off MCW and then attempts to, erm, expose his appendage and relieve himself on the MCW Championship. Yes, he genuinely tries to piss on the belt. Literally. Thankfully his tag partner Slex protects his modesty by talking him out of it. I like Slex. He seems like a nice chap. Yeah he’s a bit of a rogue but anyone who stops me seeing dong before 2pm a Friday is a good guy in my book. Finally the microphone is passed to the scary looking Jonah Rock. Not only is he the most intimidating of the lot and the guy with the coolest name (followed closely by Slex) but he seems to be a thoroughly awful human being when he throws out the ending of ‘Batman V Superman: Dawn Of Justice’ WITHOUT giving a spoiler warning. What a monster!
Once TMDK decide to leave the ring the next match is announced. This match is going to be a tag team contest between Mitch Waterman & Nick Bury and Payne & Preston but before the opening bell there is another disturbance. Thankfully this time it isn’t someone coming down to lay out the competitors, this time it is the man who goes by the name ‘KrackerJak’. He makes his way to the ring while the announcers are very excited and starts pandering to the crowd and informs everyone that he has recently signed a “genius legend contract” which gives him the power to do whatever he wants and be wants to make himself the special referee of this match. I love it. The match gets underway and KrackerJak is giving Waterman and Bury the advantage while also also trying to get under the skin of Payne and Preston. Twice he threatens to disqualify P&P but then he produces a fast counts for Preston to win after a move that may have been enough anyway. He then produces a fork, shows it to Payne and Preston and the commentators let us know that this mean they can “fork themselves”. Very clever. Very very clever.
Next up is women’s singles match between Kellyanne (wow, just wow.) and Erika Reid (again wow, just wow). A video package shows the history between the two, Kellyanne is built-up as the overwhelming favourite and it is explained that not to long ago Reid was working on the merchandise stand. I’m not going to spoil the ending of this one you should check it out.
The next match is for the MCW Tag Team Championship. The challengers are announced first and it’s my pal Slex and his TMDK cohort Marcius Pitt. Their entrance looks incredibly cool entrance and once again they appear legitimately menacing. Next out is the champions, the team of Juice X-T (JXT & Mr. Juicy) whose entrance music has more than a passing resemblance to Colt Cabana’s. Let’s hope he doesn’t catch wind of it. Although Juice X-T’s entrance isn’t quite as cool as TMDK’s I did laugh out loud when they are weighed in at over four and a half thousand Instagram followers. That laughter is dwarfed by what follows when Slex is described as the ‘Slexiest Man Alive’. Slex is a legend, please someone in England book him! Again, I’m not going to spoil the ending of this match (although there may be spoilers in our next review).
One thing we Brits do have to get used to when taking in a MCW show is that when wrestlers are announced their weight is given in kilograms. This can take a little getting used to but basically double it and add a bit (a kilo is 2.2lbs) to get a rough idea of our old money weight. So for example the fifth match of the card saw Jonah Rock billed at 140.5kg this is puts him at well clear of the 300lb mark that separates man from monster. This guy looks genuinely scary and is pretty much what Brodus Clay could have been (except Rock is far more athletic). Rock’s opponent is the MCW Intercommonwealth champion, and hopefully soon to be Calling Spots profiled wrestler, Dowie James who asks the ring announcer to make a special announcement regarding his vital stats. I’m gonna give you this verbatim as it is one of the funniest things I have ever witnessed in wrestling:
“Weighing in at 12 and a half Scott Steiners and measuring in at seven Great Khalis, he is the fashionista who looks good in red, blue and gold. He is the holder of the Triforce of Workrate and the Intercommonwealth champion. He is the Last Son of Krypton, he is the Dow Dog of Today. MISTER DOWIE JAMES, Dowie James.”
Thankfully after such a wonderful build up the match itself is probably the best of the night. Some people may have been annoyed that it ends after interference and I might have been to had it not been that the man that made the run in was my guy, Slex. Yes technically he cheated but if looking out for your buddy is wrong I don’t want to be right!
The penultimate match of the night is another tag match and it is Cousin Ali and Emanuelle (aka The Estate) versus Campbell Crawford and Vance Adam (aka Man United). Crawford and Adam explain that their name comes from the fact that they are both men and they are united. Makes sense. The duo have the air of Polo Promotions about them but could possibly give ‘The King of Chat” a run for his money. Now as a lifelong Newcastle United fan I cannot believe I am saying this but “I love Man United”. Although not a bad match by any means this match is probably the least great match of the night, this may have been because I am was full of anticipation after Man United’s pre match promo.
The main event match is for the MCW Heavyweight Championship. The Champion Elliot Sexton makes his way to the ring to a rendition of “We Will Rock You” which sounds as if it was being performed by Nickelback’s Chad Kroeger. I’m not sure why this stuck out but it did and I liked it. His opponent is the final member of TMDK, Hartley Jackson, which means I reckon my chance of another Slex sighting is at least 50%. Does Slex appear? You’ll have to check it out at
https://vimeo.com/ondemand/mcwnewhorizons2016/168631009 to find out. You can rent it for three days for £3.99 (less than half what it cost me to go see ‘Finding Dory’ with my wife recently) or you can buy it and own it forever for £5.99.
Trust me, there are worse ways to spend £4 so give it a watch and let us know what you think of it.
By Neil “I’m Slexy and I know it” Rogers
Credit to Digital Beard Photography for the photographs